Outside, in the hallway, Kakashi only manages to take two steps before he finds himself staggering heavily against the wall, colliding against it so hard, the shudder of the impact shakes straight through his body, all the way to his fingertips.
There’s a fist in his chest wrapped tight around his lungs, and he's breathing too fast and too hard, and doesn’t even feel it until the dizziness hits him like a punch to the temple, vision flashing black in a vertiginous stutter. He catches himself, eye falling shut against the sudden lurch of the world around him -- which turns out to be the worst possible thing he could have done, because the moment his eye shuts, all he can see is Sasuke, who is still sharp on his tongue and in his nose, and every time he inhales or swallows hard past the unbearable knot in his throat, Sasuke is all he can smell and taste. And when he opens his mouth to suck in a breath and his lips rub against the mask, he can feel, far too acutely, the soft crush of Sasuke's mouth against his own, the slick of his tongue and the ridges of his teeth. How fucking good it felt, and how sure he wanted it at that very moment.
It terrifies him. That whatever it was which had come over him in that moment, whatever it was that made him decide it was a good idea to shove his student against the wall with a hand around the throat and encourage him to rut against his thigh with every intent of fucking him, was something that he didn't even consider might have been wrong. That somehow, in a fit of lust-induced blindness, he didn't stop to think that maybe he needed to stop. That what he was doing to Sasuke wasn't what Sasuke actually wanted, despite how Sasuke physically responded.
He doesn't even know why he felt the urge to do what he did, how such an intense need could have suddenly risen out of nowhere, when he'd never once thought about Sasuke in that way. Never once considered the possibility of kissing him, let alone having every intent of fucking him, when he'd never once looked at Sasuke in that way. (And now that he's seen it, he can't unsee it -- can't forget the split second before reality shot through him when he looked at Sasuke, with his lips ruddy and red and panting and his entire body a wave of undulating desire, and thought that he was beautiful. That he wanted to have him, claim him as his own.)
He tells himself it's because of Sasuke's age, but he knows that isn't true, because Kakashi was barely even sixteen when he found himself face down in the middle of a field after a mission with a hand around the back of his neck and the earth pulsing below him each time he was split apart by what fucked him. Pleasure then was only as good as the pain, and it didn’t matter that the man was at least twice his age and didn’t even have a name or face, because when you do not exist in the first place, and are not sure if you’re even still human, who fucks you isn’t as important as the act itself that reminds you how to feel. That reminds you that you even can.
So it has nothing to do with Sasuke's age at all, and everything to do with the fact that they are student and teacher, and always will be, even if Sasuke denies him, denies Team 7. And that bond is one of the only things Kakashi holds sacred in a world where nothing else is.
Sasuke had trusted him, or was starting to trust him again, and this is how he decided to abuse that trust -- that sacred thing he'd fought for, would have even been willing to die for -- with a hand around the throat and a hungry, devouring mouth.
What the fuck was he even thinking, when Sasuke never asked for (or wanted or needed and certainly couldn't have desired) any of that?
He doesn't think he can ever forgive himself.
Doesn't know if Sasuke can ever forgive him (not that he deserves it).
Clearly, he can't be trusted around him, can't be allowed to be alone with him, can't ever--
(In the midst of the storm, a sudden, intense rush. A surge of panic stronger than any wave crashing over and taking down a sea wall, flooding through his body in an inundation of crystal clear horror that he'd gone and done it again. Cut right through the strings and turned his back and walked out on Sasuke again.)
His eye snaps open and the world floods back, the air rushing into his lungs in a sudden, sharp inhale as his entire body straightens up. It couldn't have been more than a few minutes that he'd been standing out there in the hallway, trying to get his shit together -- trying to collect himself long enough so he can leave the building and leave Sasuke behind.
Like he'd left him behind before -- turning his back and letting go when he told himself he'd never let go again.
When letting go was what had led Sasuke to leave the first time.
All Kakashi can feel is the wildness of the surge that screams fuck no in his chest and throat, and he turns, heading right back for the very door he'd slammed behind him just a few moments ago. Because fuck if he's going to allow this to happen again -- if he's going to walk out on Sasuke and leave him the way he left him four years ago. And even if he doesn't know if he can trust himself around Sasuke right now, he can't just leave him, can't run out on him. Won't.
Sasuke can hate him, deny him forgiveness, and maybe it’s what Kakashi deserves.
But he won’t walk away from this. Won’t turn his back this time.
1/2
There’s a fist in his chest wrapped tight around his lungs, and he's breathing too fast and too hard, and doesn’t even feel it until the dizziness hits him like a punch to the temple, vision flashing black in a vertiginous stutter. He catches himself, eye falling shut against the sudden lurch of the world around him -- which turns out to be the worst possible thing he could have done, because the moment his eye shuts, all he can see is Sasuke, who is still sharp on his tongue and in his nose, and every time he inhales or swallows hard past the unbearable knot in his throat, Sasuke is all he can smell and taste. And when he opens his mouth to suck in a breath and his lips rub against the mask, he can feel, far too acutely, the soft crush of Sasuke's mouth against his own, the slick of his tongue and the ridges of his teeth. How fucking good it felt, and how sure he wanted it at that very moment.
It terrifies him. That whatever it was which had come over him in that moment, whatever it was that made him decide it was a good idea to shove his student against the wall with a hand around the throat and encourage him to rut against his thigh with every intent of fucking him, was something that he didn't even consider might have been wrong. That somehow, in a fit of lust-induced blindness, he didn't stop to think that maybe he needed to stop. That what he was doing to Sasuke wasn't what Sasuke actually wanted, despite how Sasuke physically responded.
He doesn't even know why he felt the urge to do what he did, how such an intense need could have suddenly risen out of nowhere, when he'd never once thought about Sasuke in that way. Never once considered the possibility of kissing him, let alone having every intent of fucking him, when he'd never once looked at Sasuke in that way. (And now that he's seen it, he can't unsee it -- can't forget the split second before reality shot through him when he looked at Sasuke, with his lips ruddy and red and panting and his entire body a wave of undulating desire, and thought that he was beautiful. That he wanted to have him, claim him as his own.)
He tells himself it's because of Sasuke's age, but he knows that isn't true, because Kakashi was barely even sixteen when he found himself face down in the middle of a field after a mission with a hand around the back of his neck and the earth pulsing below him each time he was split apart by what fucked him. Pleasure then was only as good as the pain, and it didn’t matter that the man was at least twice his age and didn’t even have a name or face, because when you do not exist in the first place, and are not sure if you’re even still human, who fucks you isn’t as important as the act itself that reminds you how to feel. That reminds you that you even can.
So it has nothing to do with Sasuke's age at all, and everything to do with the fact that they are student and teacher, and always will be, even if Sasuke denies him, denies Team 7. And that bond is one of the only things Kakashi holds sacred in a world where nothing else is.
Sasuke had trusted him, or was starting to trust him again, and this is how he decided to abuse that trust -- that sacred thing he'd fought for, would have even been willing to die for -- with a hand around the throat and a hungry, devouring mouth.
What the fuck was he even thinking, when Sasuke never asked for (or wanted or needed and certainly couldn't have desired) any of that?
He doesn't think he can ever forgive himself.
Doesn't know if Sasuke can ever forgive him (not that he deserves it).
Clearly, he can't be trusted around him, can't be allowed to be alone with him, can't ever--
(In the midst of the storm, a sudden, intense rush. A surge of panic stronger than any wave crashing over and taking down a sea wall, flooding through his body in an inundation of crystal clear horror that he'd gone and done it again. Cut right through the strings and turned his back and walked out on Sasuke again.)
His eye snaps open and the world floods back, the air rushing into his lungs in a sudden, sharp inhale as his entire body straightens up. It couldn't have been more than a few minutes that he'd been standing out there in the hallway, trying to get his shit together -- trying to collect himself long enough so he can leave the building and leave Sasuke behind.
Like he'd left him behind before -- turning his back and letting go when he told himself he'd never let go again.
When letting go was what had led Sasuke to leave the first time.
All Kakashi can feel is the wildness of the surge that screams fuck no in his chest and throat, and he turns, heading right back for the very door he'd slammed behind him just a few moments ago. Because fuck if he's going to allow this to happen again -- if he's going to walk out on Sasuke and leave him the way he left him four years ago. And even if he doesn't know if he can trust himself around Sasuke right now, he can't just leave him, can't run out on him. Won't.
Sasuke can hate him, deny him forgiveness, and maybe it’s what Kakashi deserves.
But he won’t walk away from this. Won’t turn his back this time.